health2024-05-07 17:25:4448429

I'm jealous of my husband's dead ex

Q: My second marriage is going through a bad patch and it's my fault. My husband is everything you could wish for – good-looking, fit, and with a great sense of humour.

He sadly lost his first wife to cancer and she was stunning, adored by everyone (and don't I hear about it), but for me, worse than that, she came from a very well-off family. I'm not jealous of her looks as I know those went at the end.

Rather I'm jealous of what she was able to bring to the marriage. She splashed out on their first house together, plus a flat in London. She paid for all the luxury holidays and cars and treated my husband to a life that as a private school teacher he could never have afforded.

Try to distinguish between a desire to save and a resistance to spending. Which one is the 'obsession'? Vicky Reynal writes

We met in the same profession but I have modest means and feel a rather limp, second best wife. I find myself always picking fights over money and rather than copying her flamboyant spending, hoard what I do have.

My husband says I'm obsessed with saving and to relax as we are comfortably off but I'm losing sleep over it all.

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I am intrigued by these fights over money – since money isn't scarce from the sounds of it so it would seem like you are clashing over different views on spending.

But I think you are implying that that's only half the story and that something about your underspending is related to your husband's first wife. Let's try to unpack that.

First of all, I would try to understand where this 'obsession with saving' is coming from. Have you always been 'careful' with money? Or is it a recent phenomenon, potentially triggered by the fact that you have more money now than you are used to and so adapting to your new spending power feels unnatural and against your instinct to be cautious with money?

READ MORE: My dementia sufferer mother has been paying my brother thousands. I feel jealous and worried – should I confront him? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL replies

To analyse it, try to distinguish between a desire to save and a resistance to spending. Which one is the 'obsession'? Psychologically, they are quite different, even if ultimately they result in the same thing, ie: money stays in your account and is not enjoyed.

Thinking of the desire to save - is it comforting to hold on to your money, to feel that pot growing? Does it give you a sense of security?

Or, thinking of a difficulty spending, is this more about how it feels to use the money you have, to allow yourself to have things, to indulge like you - or maybe your family – couldn't in the past?

If you grew up in a family where the wealthy and 'flamboyant' spenders were criticised, this could add to your resistance to spend.

If that behaviour was judged, then even if you have the means to afford luxury holidays as a couple, you might feel quite torn about indulging in such a way and a voice in your head might be saying 'don't be one of those people'.

If you grew up in a family that prided itself on modesty and restraint, then that too, might make it difficult to mimic the former wife's spending habits.

Secondly, I wonder how you feel about the money you share with your husband. Since you tell me he is a teacher, it sounds like the financial freedom you now have is a result of his former wife's passing (maybe inherited money or life insurance payout).

Do you feel he is more entitled to the finer things money can buy and you are less deserving of them?

I wonder if psychologically it is difficult to enjoy and spend this money as freely as if it were coming from a different source. Could it be a sense of guilt stopping you from spending it?

I also ask myself whether this isn't about the money at all, but rather about insecurities attached to the relationship. What are these arguments achieving? Is it your way of unconsciously orchestrating a dynamic in which your husband says, 'it's ok darling, we have enough,' because what you really want to hear from him is 'It's ok darling, you are enough'?

Is the financial abundance that you are jealous of just symbolic? Maybe you worry that your husband's first wife was a 'better wife' and you are looking for reassurance that you are not 'second-best' and that he is not dissatisfied with you.

Or is it him you feel 'second best' to? If you see your husband as so 'abundant' (you tell me he has 'everything': 'good-looking, fit, and with a great sense of humour'), do you feel he is more entitled to the finer things money can buy and you are less deserving of them?

By digging deeper into what is stopping you from enjoying the money you share with your husband, you stand a better chance to change your behaviour.

Money on Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits by Vicky Reynal is published by Bonnier Books UK and is out this Thursday (9th May). Pre-order from Waterstones now and get £4 off with the code MoneyMind24 at checkout.

THIS IS MONEY PODCAST

Is the UK stock market finally due its moment in the sun?
Will inflation fall below 2% and then spike again?
Will the state pension ever be means tested - and would you get it?
Secrets from an Isa millionaire - how they built a £1m pot
Is a 99% mortgage really that bad or a helping hand?
How to sort your pension and Isa before the tax year ends
Will the Bank of England cut interest rates soon?
Was the Budget too little, too late - and will it make you richer?
Tale of the state pension underpaid for 20 YEARS
Will the Budget cut tax - and the child benefit and 60% traps?
Will you be able to afford the retirement you want?
Does it matter that the UK is in recession?
Why would the Bank of England cut rates this year?
You can bag a £10k heat pump discount... would that tempt you?
Should you stick cash in Premium Bonds, save or invest?
Is the taxman really going after Ebay sellers?
What does 2024 hold for investors - and was 2023 a good year?
How fast will interest rates fall - and where's the new normal?
Is the mortgage crisis over?
What drives you mad about going to the shops?
Will the Autumn Statement boost your wealth?
How to turn your work pension into a moneyspinner
Autumn Statement: What would you do if you were Chancellor?
Have interest rates finally peaked - and what happens next?
How much will frozen income tax bands suck out of your pay?
How much further could house prices fall?
Will your energy bills rise this winter despite a falling price cap?
Have interest rates peaked or will they rise again?
Should we keep the triple lock or come up with a better plan?
Should we gift every newborn £1,000 to invest?
Are you on track for a comfortable retirement?
Where would YOU put your money for the next five years?
Mortgage mayhem has stalled but what happens next?
Taxman customer service troubles and probate problems
Energy firms rapped for bad service while making mega profits
Inflation eases - what does that mean for mortgage and savers?
Could your bank close YOUR current account with little warning?
Energy price cap falling and savings rates race past 6%
Was hiking rates again the right move or is the Bank in panic mode?
Mortgage mayhem, savings frenzy: What on earth is going on?
Money for nothing: Is universal basic income a good idea?
Inflation-busting savings rates of 9% and cash Isas are back
When will energy bills fall, and could fixed tariffs finally return?
Should we stop dragging more into tax designed for the rich?
How high will interest rates go... and why are they still rising?
How can we build the homes we need - and make them better?
Home improvements: How to add - or lose - value
It's easier to win big on Premium Bonds but should you invest?
How long should you fix your mortgage for - and what next?
State pension goes above £10,000 - has something got to give?
April bill hikes - and is it time we ditched the tax traps?
Pensions, childcare, bills and recession: Budget special
Can you trust the state pension system after these blunders?
Are we on the verge of a house price crash or soft landing?
How to make the most of saving and investing in an Isa
Why is food inflation so high and are we being ripped off?
Could this be the peak for interest rates? What it means for you
Will we raise state pension age to 68 sooner than planned?
Could an Isa tax raid really cap savings at £100,000?
Will you be able to afford the retirement you want?
Will 2023 be a better year for our finances... or worse?
The big financial events of 2022 and what happens next?
Would you be tempted to 'unretire' after quitting work early?
When will interest rates stop rising and how will it affect you?
Could house prices really fall 20% and how bad would that be?
Do you need to worry about tax on savings and investments?
Have savings and mortgage rates already peaked?

THIS IS MONEY PODCAST

Related articles